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Tell Me Your Secrets.

There's the age old antidote that sharing secrets or burdens will free the soul. That somehow by sharing information we feel a sense of relief or release. I shared something today that I have shared with very very few people... I do not feel relief from sharing it. In fact putting it into words is just about as terrifying as staring a dragon in the eye. Your heart pounds as if your blood has turned to ice in its veins and you're no longer breathing because it just can't be.

Each time I talk about it, I'm sitting in that room, waiting for my name. Then I'm laying back, arching my neck as I stare at the black voids, reminding myself that breathing is a necessity.

This experience has changed me, however so small or big, I do not know the extent yet... but it is never far from my mind. There is an ache in my body that reminds me of it daily.

Although there is no relief from sharing, there is something else. A road is being built. The bridge of Trust is being tested to see if it's as sturdy as it looked. 

Despite the looming worry; things elsewhere are looking good.k
I must focus on those things. :)

Alone

Ultimately, we are alone. We may have 200 friends and be close to our family members, but when it all comes down to it we are alone. We are the ones who have to decide to get up when we've fallen flat on our face. We are the ones who have to decide when and what to change.

This has perhaps been my hardest lesson. Things have changed so much. I am no longer that girl in high school. I can't live like she did; where her friends got her through everything. Where her boyfriends told her every little thing they liked about her so she could feel good. It's time to approve of yourself.

It's time to let go of the fear of what others will think. The people lost and the people who you will inevitably lose were meant to be lost. Their purpose was served and if they don't approve of you, they don't love you for you. There is no other reason worth being loved for, other than for just being you.
I was actually getting my hopes up and starting to naively think that maybe my job won't end when CRM spreads through the company I work for. Yesterday I got the distinct feeling I was wrong. That if all things go according to plan for the company then I will probably be out of a job in April some time.

Which makes me sad and more upset than I want to admit. As much as my job bores me and as low as disrespected my position in the company feels... I still put a great deal of effort into working there. It will have been 3 years the very end of May. :/

I was and still am a little panicky about not having a job, but as a few people have pointed out, I can apply for EI. But EI is not a lot of money so I doubt I'll be able to be picky about getting a job. :(

Knee-Jerk Reactions

This morning was ridiculous. One of the project managers emailed my co-worker, who is on vacation (as of yesterday), to open a job for him. For starters, he belongs to the group I handle. Always has. For another thing he didn't even have the PIS which is required in order to open a job.

Anyways, he freaked out when he received my co-worker's auto-reply Out of Office email and emailed our Supervisor to ask if she would be entering the job. She told him exactly what my co-worker's Out of Office reply said, email me! So he emailed me after receiving my Supervisor's response and I had forgotten to turn off my auto-reply Out of Office email off. So he received mine stating my work hours (because I am not a full-time employee). He (again) didn't read the contents and freaked out sending another message to my Supervisor (and a few other people in his department) saying "I'm so frustrated... Are we working at the government now?"

To which I got very annoyed and slightly upset with. I've been in this position for almost 3 years now and he doesn't even know in the first place that I enter his jobs, not my co-worker. Not to mention he was getting SO upset over nothing because his job can't be entered without the PIS, which still hasn't been created by this point in the story.

Well, on the bright the side, my Supervisor reacted better than I expected. She called him and explained to him that I'm a student and that company tries to be very supportive and flexible with a student's work hours. Shortly after their phone call I received an email from him apologizing and saying he "didn't read the out of office email properly". My thought was "you didn't read them at all!" But that's besides the point.

I heard later from various people that the people whom he had cc'd on the email, including his boss were all telling him to back off and leave me alone. And that he was over-reacting and various other true statements. It definitely made me feel better that people were on my side and understanding. :) And that's my story for today.

Just a Folder

Today was another bad day at work. We've been crazy busy since January and it's not getting any better. I'm behind on folders because I've had at -least- double my usual amount of PIS to input. And then today one of the senior project managers has the nerve to say "Well, by the time I get the green folder I've already started my own folder." And then further to the point: "They're just folders."

The thing that really pisses me off is that he's saying it as if it should take me 3 seconds to complete a folder. Well, it doesn't. And on top of that I don't just make the green folders. I make all the freaking folders for EVERY project our office and smaller outside offices do. Each project has at least 2 folders. I won't bore you guys with the process because it is a boring process. The point is his ignorance pissed me off. And I feel he doesn't respect me as a worker. I told him we've been -really- busy and he doesn't really respond. I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe me.

I'm tired of feeling like I'm at the bottom of the pool. :( I work hard despite how much I hate my job, I just would like someone to notice aside from me.
I feel I should update, but I'm not sure I have much to update on.

Work and School are keeping me busy as usual. The baked goods I've brought to work have been going over well. I've even had a few people ask if I could bake some more for them. I've considered doing some baking on the weekend and selling them at work, but I don't think I'd make that much profit and I do like my relaxing time. It would, however, give me more practice.

This weekend is fast approaching. I'm very excited for Fondue at the Beir Mrkt and games day on Sunday.

I've been debating on doing a girl's night slumber party. Kinda a flashback to high school when you'd stay up all night watching movies and eating junk food. I'm not sure who would actually be interested, but I'm sure a few people would. :3

My Life On The Go

I've been keeping pretty busy. There were even days where I barely sent more than 2 text messages, or bothered with Twitter or Facebook. I don't really sit down in front of a computer anymore, at least not outside of work.

My cellphone has really become my life lately. It's how I surf the web, check FB, Twitter, and blog. I try to text more often, because I don't want to become anti-social during all this busyness.

I reduced my Friday work day because starting at 7:30am was really hard after 3 days of going to bed around midnight. I now start at 10:30 which will be a welcomed change. Instead of waking at 5:20am I get to wake up around 8am. :D
This is a busy week. Last night was supposed to be my relax and get ready for the week night, but instead I went out for sushi with some friends. Then after we went to Demetre's for dessert. It was great, but now I feel more stressed about this week.

Tonight, tomorrow and Thursday I have class. Friday I'm going to a girl's night to some chocolate-oriented place. I checked out the website, it looks really yummy. :3 Saturday I'm going to a wedding with M. He's in the wedding party (again).

Sunday we're celebrating Valentine's. M is going to buy me a night stand so I can store some more stuff at his place. He's always going on about how my tiny desk is a mess. I'm excited to have some space for my stuff.

On My Way

This week wasn't quite as brutal as I thought it would be. I guess my interest and excitement for baking is neutralizing my exhaustedness. The funny thing is I'll get home from class, get ready for bed and then once in bed I have a hard time falling asleep. I've already learned from past experiences that if I feel stressed about sleep I won't fall asleep. So I keep relaxed and try to find a comfortable position until sleep finally wraps around me.

I've definitely enjoyed making bread this week. I didn't think I'd be that interested in bread, but it's a lot of fun. And nothing compares to the smell of freshly baked bread.

Tuesday we made some pre-ferments and practiced our molding techniques. Wednesday we baked two kinds of bread. My pan bread actually didn't turn out looking quite as it should because molding bread is harder than I thought lol. We didn't end up finishing until around 10:45pm, our teacher stressed the importance of time management and we could all see why it was important as we were all exhausted at that point and just wanted to go home. Last night was probably my favourite class so far, if only because everything I did turned out great! :D

M's been trying to horde the end products, but I'm doing my best to spread the bread love. Hopefully he'll get tired of the bread by next week. :P
I'm very excited to be doing my baking course finally. I look forward to the classes, but it's a bit bittersweet. It's intimidating. Not the class, or the work or the students... it's the time. Class starts at 6:30pm and ends around 10:30 then I have to travel home to get to bed right away. I'm worried it's going to be too much. But I also don't want to cut back on my hours. I need to pay off my visa expenses from taking this class. Then I need to save for a couple of summer courses.

I really hope I get a new job, but that seems very unlikely for many reasons. 1. The job market is pretty awful. 2. I have limited time to search for a job and make time for interviews. 3. My experience seems to get me no where.

This has all been very frustrating. And I'm pretty sure I've snapped at some people. And I'm afraid I probably will again. It's really hard to motivate myself to keep editing my resume and to keep applying after 2 months of practically nothing.

But I gotta do it.
I have to stay motivated.