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June 2nd, 2011

Alone

Ultimately, we are alone. We may have 200 friends and be close to our family members, but when it all comes down to it we are alone. We are the ones who have to decide to get up when we've fallen flat on our face. We are the ones who have to decide when and what to change.

This has perhaps been my hardest lesson. Things have changed so much. I am no longer that girl in high school. I can't live like she did; where her friends got her through everything. Where her boyfriends told her every little thing they liked about her so she could feel good. It's time to approve of yourself.

It's time to let go of the fear of what others will think. The people lost and the people who you will inevitably lose were meant to be lost. Their purpose was served and if they don't approve of you, they don't love you for you. There is no other reason worth being loved for, other than for just being you.

Tell Me Your Secrets.

There's the age old antidote that sharing secrets or burdens will free the soul. That somehow by sharing information we feel a sense of relief or release. I shared something today that I have shared with very very few people... I do not feel relief from sharing it. In fact putting it into words is just about as terrifying as staring a dragon in the eye. Your heart pounds as if your blood has turned to ice in its veins and you're no longer breathing because it just can't be.

Each time I talk about it, I'm sitting in that room, waiting for my name. Then I'm laying back, arching my neck as I stare at the black voids, reminding myself that breathing is a necessity.

This experience has changed me, however so small or big, I do not know the extent yet... but it is never far from my mind. There is an ache in my body that reminds me of it daily.

Although there is no relief from sharing, there is something else. A road is being built. The bridge of Trust is being tested to see if it's as sturdy as it looked. 

Despite the looming worry; things elsewhere are looking good.k
I must focus on those things. :)

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aqua_namari

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