Log in

No account? Create an account
Classes have been absolutely marvelous!
Unfortunately, very draining.
We haven't even had a full class yet because we're supposed to go from 6:30 to 10:30 and so far we've gone as late as 9p.m.
I think next week for sure we'll be going to at LEAST 10:30p.m.
Chef has already warned us that sometimes the bread classes go later.
Obviously time-management is a big part of class and we actually get marked on it.
In the mean-time I'm sitting here enjoying my mountain of fruit from last night's class.
And I definitely like having my chef's uniform and tool kit.
Though they were both BLOODY EXPENSIVE!!!

Tonight we learn piping! :o
and Saturday M's taking me out to get a nice tool kit box to carry my pastry tools in.
Since the bag at the George Brown store was like $70 and an empty tool kit  box can be as low as $10.
I spent about $600 yesterday on everything I needed for class.
I think that's more than I spent on text books when I was going to YorkU. =_=
Anyways, off to work I go.
Hello New Year.
I've made plenty of goals for myself already.
Get a YMCA membership - when money permits
Actually go to the YMCA and work out. They have a pool!
Get a job as a Server. - This one has been tricky, but I'm sticking with it!
Complete my course exemption paper work asap. - I've actually started communicating with the college to work towards this.

So I've got a lot to keep myself busy.
and I'm actually working towards a lot of these.
Now to make sure I don't burn out! :P

I lied

I have this horrible habit of procrastinating.
I promised myself yesterday that today I'd clean up my room.
Make it feel like I actually live here, not just come and go.
Take some time and maybe to some creative writing.
but I didn't do any of it.
I didn't even bother to shower, so that's something I'm going to have to wake up for.
I have horrible motivation in general.
I rather waste time on video games or doing pretty much nothing on my computer.
or watching re-runs or movies...
It's nice to do those things once in a while, but I do them too much.
It's a habit I want to break.
There's a lot of things I want to do and try
and a lot of those things I could get done now.
If only I'd stop killing time.

Trying to get the Christmas Spirit

I'm still struggling this season.
I've had an awful couple of days, but for the most part I feel better today.
Baking helped calm me last night, once I got started the stress of thinking of all the things I had planned to make for people went away.
The only thing I didn't really do was study... and my last assignment isn't done.
I guess I really burnt out for school in the last two weeks.
I'll see what I can do today before I go to write my exam, but I'm not panicking about it.
My marks have been pretty high the entire course through.

and I'm pretty excited about trying an Ethiopian restaurant tomorrow. :)

I Want A Relationship...

With Food.
For years now, food has been almost nothing but fuel to me.
It fills the tank (my stomach) so I can keep going about my busy busy life.
But after learning so much in my Nutrition course I really want a relationship with food.
I want to make healthy delicious meals.
I want nutrient dense food.
I want to try new things.
I even... at times... want to cook.
This is a very big turn in my life.
Going from a super picky eater to exploring new things
and from exploring new things I want to create new things.
I want to work on making this a part of my life.
Day to day.
No more weeks of having 3-4 meals consisting of some sort of take-out food.
Convenience... It's the main reason we don't take the time to prepare nice meals.
We work too many hours, we study too much, we commute too far.
I can see this becoming a big part of my life.
Food, that is.
I can see food becoming a big part of my life.
Tonight has been a fairly productive night.
I watched Dexter and The Walking Dead, which was a nice relaxing time.
Then I buckled down and began studying for my exam on the 16th.
I also began my homework that's due in a week.
I have a horrible time sitting down and actually doing homework.
It's not that I have anything better to do or that I forget about it...
it's just I don't really want to take the time to do it.
But I'm glad I did tonight and it wasn't painful or anything.

In other news, work is still edging me into intolerable-ness.
I've noticed my patience slipping away from me the more time I spend there.
As much as I try to stay positive and choose to be happy...
it's becoming much MUCH more difficult to do so.
A lot of the time I feel ready to snap.
I'm almost constantly ranting in my head about how sub-human this work makes me feel.
The feeling that I can do nothing, but work work work is driving me crazy.
Especially since I know there's really no reason for it.
There's no reason that i can't take the 30 seconds to text someone here and there.
In fact it helps me concentrate because it takes my mind away from my work so I have to refocus on it instead of falling into a lull of the same thing.
My Supervisor is constantly contradicting herself... it drives me crazy.
I feel like I'm constantly being lied to and that... hurts.
This job hurts. In so many ways.
I want to get my Smart Serve and Ontario Food Handler's Certificate and work in the food industry.
Either as a Server or Bartender.
Yes, I'm aware that that means no more free weekends and that kinda kills me inside, but on the other hand...
There are other days in the week and I can learn to enjoy those again.

The Thing About Love...

Something I find interesting as I get to know more people and hear more stories about relationships...

It seems relationships wear people out. Or more specifically, bad ones do. The ones that leave us going "Why did I ever put up with him/her for that long?" The ones where we feel we've poured our hearts into it to end up with nothing but a bitter taste in our mouth. Then we swear off love, or at least "head over heels" love. Why risk falling when there seems more of a chance of you crashing and burning than being caught by the one you love?

My head says: It's not fair.

How can you expect the next relationship to work out/be better if you're not willing to put everything you have into it?

I guess I can understand caution. Entering a relationship with caution and slowly building the trust and feelings that are needed for success... but when are you holding yourself back too much? When have you reached that line of "not fair"?

"I've been burned before so I can't love you like that." - Does this not show a lack of trust? I feel like it's a level of trust that should be there...
Or has our society become too chaotic, unpredictable, untrustworthy... that this trust is now only for fools and the ones without it are the ones with safety mechanisms?

I'm not sure I was really trying to go anywhere with this... I just had these thoughts and questions floating around my head for a while.

The Haunting Nightmare

My stomach still ties itself in knots whenever I remember that nightmare. The images are so vivid. Some are like freeze frames. And the feeling when I woke up... sweating, gasping and practically in tears... I can still feel my heart pound from the memory. My eyes sting, but there are no tears. It was horrible, but it didn't start horrible. It started more like a dream. Carefree. We were light, practically bouncing along the various rocks. Climbing, smiling, laughing. It was reminiscent of the days down by the lakeshore where I used to run and jump across the giant rocks. My mind's only focus was the stone and my feet. The wind was blowing my hair, the smell of the lake was all around me. It reminded me of Newfoundland, which I always associate with a peacefulness you just don't find here. Monasin and I were climbing the rocks in my dream and not too far behind us were my mother and Craig. There was no conversation, just smiles and just the feel of adventure and accomplishment as we ventered on to various rocks and platforms. Then my mother loses her balance. Craig grabs her around the waist, but she's already too far over that he can't hold her there or pull her back... and here I can barely go on to describe it. I can remember seeing her face, seeing Craig's face. I remember the feeling of my heart stopping, my breath stuck in my chest. The pure shock of it. She falls out of sight... I didn't see her hit any of the rocks on her way down, so maybe she's okay... This can't be the end for her. I jump down to the platform right below me, I have to find her and quick. Craig and Monasin have faded away... for some reason they can't help. It's just me and the rocks and a strange mist that obscurs my vision further than a platform or so beneath me. I need to move fast, just so I can glimpse her again... Somehow if I just see her it'll be okay... it'll be better, because there's just no way that she can be dead, is the thing that possesses me on my way down. I wake up barely after I begin trying to find her. I'm sweaty, out of breath and almost in tears from this nightmare.

Waiting on the Interwebs

I haven't updated lately because I'm waiting to get internet at my place.
I find it much easier to update in my own space... rather than on M's laptop in his living room.
I've already written to entries on wordpad that I plan to post here...

Actually I just remembered that one of them is saved to this computer...no
Unfortunately, it's not really an update.

Birthday birthday birthdays

It's been a pretty great weekend so far.
I went to Oshawa last night and spent time with Gilly.
Then Saturday we all went for brunch, saw some people from high school who I haven't seen in ages. :)
Got a ride from Rene who dropped me off in Scarborough and I bussed to M's.
Now I'm all ready to head out to another birthday party.

School starts on Tuesday.
I have no idea if I'm ready lol.
I'm ready in the sense that I want to go, but have no materials.
I guess I'll find out what I need when I go.
I'll bring a binder and pen to look prepared. :3